Financial Jokes and Anecdotes
Money and Business Jokes
A priest announced to his congregation: "I have good
news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money
to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets."
Never talk about money with people who have much more or
much less than you.
Money is always there, but the pockets change.
John Paul Getty:If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem.
If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that
his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind
waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best
we can do and you will have to share the room with others"
he is told by the doorman.
Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there
is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads
him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all
of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first
room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and
shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but
my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you
think interest rates are headed?"
How much money do you need?
What's considered enough money? Just a little bit more.
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.
J. Paul Getty
A billion here, a billion there, and pretty soon you're talking
about real money.
Anecdotes by Oleg Palamarchuk about Oleg
The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk accompanied one German
businessman in his trip to Russia. And at the end of this
trip the translator asked the German:
Do you understand that your company risks much by investing
money in the Russian economy? What if Russia will fall in
default again and split into parts?
The old Bavarian smiled:
If Russia split into parts, it will mean that we, Germans
or Americans, havent invested money here in vain.
The teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk conducted a lesson in
German. The topic was economics and bank business.
What do you think I must do to become a successful banker?
asked a student.
I cant say what you should do, but I can tell
what you shouldnt do. Follow the three rules: first,
dont lend money those who dont have any; second,
dont lend money those who need it badly; third, dont
lend your own money.
During a lecture the students asked their teacher-polyglot
Why dont American and European businessmen invest
money in the Ukrainian economy?
They dont understand our realities. In the USA
a businessman should compete for his place under the sun.
But in Ukraine, if a businessman wants to earn money, he should
find a place in the shadow and doesnt shine, explained
The Ukrainian youth enjoys computers like other young people
in the world.
It was a wise man who created the computer? expressed
his excitement a boy who attended the English course conducted
by the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk.
You are wrong, said the teacher-polyglot. In
this world only Got creates; Satan makes up; the Europeans
and migrants from Europe into the North America invent; the
Russians find; the Chinese compile; and the Jews make a profit
on their activity.
One day the teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk met his former
school-mate and they had a talk. And the first question was
I am a general director of my own company, praised
Recently you told me that you were just a director,
remarked Oleg Palamarchuk.
It was earlier, then I was alone, but now I hired a
guy, and there are two persons in the company: he is a director,
but I am a general director.
Once a school-girl asked her teacher-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk:
Why dont you do business? You know so much! What
can you earn by teaching in the country where not so many
people want to study?
To do business in my country, explained Oleg Palamarchuk,
one should be slippery, otherwise one will be caught;
one should be hard, otherwise one will be cracked; one should
be flexible, otherwise one will be broken. And the main rule
of our business: the less you know, the longer you will live.
But I know too much to survive in our business.
The writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk was visited by his school-mate,
who lived in Russia and was a new Russian.
I live as if I founded myself in the paradise. I have
whatever I desire! boasted the mate. But his long monologue
was finished with words:
Nevertheless, I dont wish you such a life!
Why? asked the writer.
To penetrate into the Russian business is to enter the
paradise: it is difficult to come in, but it is impossible
to go out! explained the new Russian.
One day a friend of the writer-polyglot Oleg Palamarchuk called
I want to share my joy with you. I have just von 1000
dollars at a lottery.
OK, give me half the sum and I will share your joy.
Stock Market Economists Statisticians